I’ve never felt healthier in my life, and it only cost, loads of money. Hey don’t you judge me; staying healthy in this world, and economic climate, is a very tough ask. Everything has sugar, and carbs, and fat…so much bad stuff, and no way to avoid it unless you live in the wild, surviving by eating berries. And then you miss out on essential oils and all that. Plus I don’t want to go running in this weather…I might get frostbite and be even worse off than before.
That’s why I went hunting for every tiny scrap of health I could find, to make it so I didn’t have to put any effort into being healthy. So now I have Gustav, my personal trainer, chef and also maybe bodyguard…haven’t figured that part out yet. He’s fresh off a trigger point dry needling course, and I’m having him do even more so that he can keep me as healthy as possible…again, without me putting in any effort. I heard a bit about dry needling and it sounded pretty effective, plus just very relaxing. The thing that appealed to me most was the part where I send my burly German healthcare assistant on a course to learn all about trigger points, so he can come back and trigger all the points while I lie there, doing nothing. Maybe listening to a podcast, I haven’t decided yet.
Gustav is also cooking all of my meals, doing the food shopping and yelling at me every morning at 5am so that i get up and do star jumps. I suppose that does count as doing SOMETHING, but you have to be in it to win it.
Once Gustav is back from his dry needling course, we need to talk about what would make him a complete package. He already knows everything about nutrition, and he’s a qualified hyperbaric specialist. Maybe there’s nothing else to do from here on out. I have found the combination for perfect health. I have become…immortal.